First, let's be clear: This is not an article about happiness. We're not going to tell you to smile or lighten up. It's not our intent to have you twirling through your backyard, picking buttercups, and singing about the "bright, sunshiny day." No, this is an article about optimism. And though the two words are often used interchangeably, there is a vital distinction between them: "Happiness is an emotion, a feeling. Optimism is a belief about the future," says Suzanne Segerstrom, Ph.D., a professor of psychology at the University of Kentucky and the author of
Breaking Murphy's Law: How Optimists Get What They Want from Life — and Pessimists Can Too.
Happiness is subjective, nebulous. Optimism, on the other hand, can be objectively defined as the tendency to expect that life will be mostly good. Ideally, the two go hand in hand — but not necessarily. We can feel blue or blah yet recognize it as a passing cloud. We can be dissatisfied in our work or relationships but believe that better times lie ahead. We can acknowledge when a situation stinks — the canceled flight, the flat tire during rush hour — without concluding that the universe is permanently aligned against us.
Not surprisingly, people who look at life this way are less likely to be depressed or anxious, studies show. (In fact, those with a more negative worldview are at greater risk for dementia and Parkinson's disease in later life, according to the Mayo Clinic.) But optimists also live longer than their pessimistic peers. They may recover more quickly from surgeries and perhaps respond better to cancer treatments. Optimists also have healthier pregnancies, exercising more and stressing less during their latter trimesters. Indeed, these positive thinkers just feel better overall, experiencing fewer aches and pains and even better love lives: Optimists are more satisfied with their romantic relationships and have more satisfied partners, according to a Michigan State University study. Optimism appears to be an "enduring resource" for couples, say researchers, promoting cooperation, closeness, commitment, and fidelity.
What makes optimism so optimal? For starters, optimists tend to have better coping skills and so may get battered less by life's stressors, suggests Michael Scheier, Ph.D., the head of psychology at Carnegie Mellon University in Pittsburgh, who has studied optimism in heart and cancer patients. But optimism's real power might lie not so much in what it does for us but in what it compels us to do. Optimists not only trust that the future will be mostly good, but they also believe their actions shape their destinies, Segerstrom says. This may be why optimists are more likely to eat right and exercise and are less likely to smoke or engage in other risky habits. When an optimist does get sick, she's more apt to research and seek the best medical care and actively participate in treatment — all of which may improve her prognosis.
But what if you're not a born optimist? Fortunately, a tendency toward optimism is only about 25 percent genetic, Segerstrom says; that leaves plenty of room for life experience — not to mention your behavior — to shape your point of view. That's right: You can learn to "do optimism," as she calls it, and reap the same benefits as true believers. "You don't have to change your outlook on life; you don't have to change your feelings," Segerstrom says. "You just have to do things a bit differently." Scheier agrees. "The person who sees the glass as half empty is no more wrong than the person who sees it as half full," he says. But by acting like an optimist, even those cynics among us can bolster our bodies, minds, and spirits, now and for the future. Here's how:
Set and pursue goals.
This is rule number one. "Optimists don't have some magical happy juice," Segerstrom explains. "Optimism enhances well-being because it leads to greater engagement with life." It's no accident, she adds, that better mental and physical health are consistently tied to things you can get only by trying — a large social network, higher education, greater socioeconomic status. "You aren't born with a large social network. It comes from the priorities you set and the actions you take." Your goals can be big (run a marathon, change careers) or small (learn yoga or knitting). The only requirement is that your mission be internally motivated, says Segerstrom. You're less likely to run those 26.2 miles just to keep up with your jock husband, or stick with knitting if you're picking up the needles only because your friends do it. Ask yourself: How committed am I to this goal? How happy will I be if I achieve it? How disappointed will I be if I don't? Pick a goal you can personally invest in, and you're ready for rule number two of doing optimism, which is...
It's persistence — not cheeriness or luck — that paves the optimist's path to a better life, Segerstrom says. Optimists believe they will eventually succeed, so they keep plugging away at their goals (whether good health, a better job, or a lasting marriage) long after their pessimistic peers have quit. "Positive expectations fuel motivation and hard work," Segerstrom observes. "Negative expectations have the exact opposite effect."
How can pessimists keep from being discouraged or immobilized by their fatalistic thinking? By taking action, even when you think it might be futile. Start by drafting a step-by-step plan for accomplishing your goal, and then take the first step. "It's okay if you feel deep down that you won't succeed," says Segerstrom. At least now you have a blueprint you can act on, even if you doubt the outcome. (Think of it as akin to building a piece of Ikea furniture: You may look skeptically at the daunting instructions and disassembled parts, but follow each step one by one, and somehow that jumble of boards, nuts, and bolts becomes your new entertainment center.) Just be sure to hold yourself accountable. "If I'm trying to lose weight, I'm always more successful when I write down every bite I eat," Segerstrom says. "Keep a detailed log so you're aware of precisely what you're doing to advance your goal."
You should also replace old goals — those that don't pan out, or begin to bore you into inaction — with new and meaningful pursuits. "If you disengage from a goal and don't fill that space with another activity that is significant to you, your life becomes a void," warns Scheier. "For your psychological health, you need to invest in new goals so that you maintain purpose in your life."
Tackle problems head-on.
Optimists and pessimists cope differently with adversity, Scheier says: The optimist launches into active problem-solving mode, while the pessimist avoids, ignores, or disengages from challenges. It's a difference with potentially serious health consequences. "Avoidant coping is clearly associated with heightened distress, anxiety, and depression," says Scheier. In other words, even if you think you're walling yourself off from a bad situation — and the hurt that comes with it — your body still bears the brunt of that negativity.
The good news is, even if you continue to think cynically, you can learn to handle hardships in a more adaptive, "optimistic" way. If you act to resolve crises when they happen — and this is a behavior you can learn, says Scheier — instead of just accepting them as your lot in life, you'll reduce the stress, anxiety, and depression they cause. When adversity strikes, resist distracting yourself with Mad Men, mojitos, and M&Ms. Grab paper and pen, define your problem specifically, then brainstorm possible solutions (either alone or with help). Just listing potential fixes may make you feel more empowered, Scheier says. "Then try implementing one of your solutions and see what happens," he adds. "Part of what holds pessimists back is they think, Why bother? If you do bother and get some positive feedback, you may be encouraged to keep trying. You may even begin to develop a more optimistic orientation toward life."
Change your perspective.
So you faced a problem head-on, tried to fix it, and it didn't work out. Now what? Well, optimists often resort to reappraisal — that is, looking for an alternative interpretation, a way to cast the situation in a new and less negative light. One powerful form of reappraisal is benefit-finding — a technical way to say "looking for the silver lining." While it might sound hokey, studies show that benefit-finding is a highly effective coping strategy among people with chronic illnesses. Those who see their diagnoses as having enhanced their family connections, their appreciation for life, or their capacity to let go of the little stuff suffer less depression, says Stacey Hart, Ph.D., an associate psychology professor at Ryerson University in Toronto.
This is not to suggest that we all wear rose-colored glasses all the time. People need to express negative feelings when they have them — they just need to learn to do so without "sinking into the abyss," says Hart. The key: keeping perspective, by recognizing the pros and cons inherent in most challenges. "Unfortunately, pessimists tend to lose that perspective," Hart says. "It becomes a cognitive habit for them to see only the downsides." Yet even those prone to a doom-and-gloom view can get better at noticing and appreciating life's upsides with some practice. Hint: Don't wait for hardship to strike before you begin searching for the bright side of things. Ask yourself, "Can I identify some upsides to my life?" If not, consciously work to reintroduce pleasure into your world. "It's something you have to be dedicated to," says Hart. "You're going to get busy and forget, so you have to leave yourself Post-it notes and reminders in your calendar to spend a few minutes daily doing something that brings you joy, whether it's taking a hot bath, reading a favorite magazine, or calling a friend." Enjoyed regularly, these brief, happy oases will strengthen your sense that life is (generally) good — and shine as those silver linings when storm clouds do brew.
Imagine the worst.
That's right — a little pessimism might just enhance your optimism. Behaving more optimistically doesn't mean never entertaining another pessimistic thought. In fact, you should anticipate and prepare for setbacks, says Julie K. Norem, Ph.D., a psychology professor at Wellesley College in Massachusetts and the author of The Positive Power of Negative Thinking. Her studies show that when pessimists try to replace their usual worrying with things like positive imagery or progressive muscle relaxation, their stress actually escalates and their performance tanks. "Pessimists need to be allowed to worry," Norem says, "but they need to learn to do it in a very specific way." Vague fears — What if everything falls apart? — don't lend themselves to practical solutions, so they only spur anxiety, Norem explains. Instead, you need to think in concrete detail about what could go wrong and decide how you'll deal if it does. While dwelling on potential pitfalls might seem decidedly unoptimistic, studies show that, especially if you're a worrier, mentally rehearsing how you'll respond to roadblocks can reduce your anxiety, by making you feel prepared to cope with whatever comes.
Say, for example, you're considering buying your first home, but the pessimist in you says, In these uncertain times — are you crazy?! Instead of abandoning the idea, ask yourself, What specifically am I worried about? Your answers may include: I could lose my job or get into a horrible car accident and be unable to make the payments. Plus, I'm not handy — what if the toilet breaks? Worse, what if the roof caves in — how will I afford to fix it? Now take a breath and counter each concern: To quell worries about paying the mortgage, you might stash the equivalent of three monthly payments in a separate account as a cushion and consider purchasing mortgage protection insurance; to ease concerns about having to call a repairman for every loose screw, you could ask the handiest guy (or gal) you know to show you a few plumbing and carpentry basics (leave electrical work to the professionals!). You might still decide that now isn't the time for you to buy, but you'll be basing that decision on research and reality, not overblown fears.
"Once you break down this big, amorphous, anxiety-producing problem into specific, smaller pieces, the pieces themselves seem much more manageable — and tend to lend themselves to tangible solutions," Norem says. Research shows that naysayers who use this sort of "defensive pessimism," as Norem calls it, are significantly more likely than other pessimists, and perhaps even more likely than optimists, to persist toward their goals. Best of all, says Norem, "Defensive pessimism may enable you to cope effectively and reduce your anxiety without having to change your whole personality."
Put it in writing.
In a Canadian study, chronically stressed caregivers (responsible for a loved one with dementia) who used journals to write optimistically about their situations experienced less anxiety and insomnia than caregivers who wrote in less optimistic terms. Interestingly, it didn't seem to matter whether the caregivers actually felt optimistic — simply using the right words lowered their stress. So which words made the difference? Writers who used positive emotion words (love, nice, sweet) and optimistic words (certainty, pride, win) fared better mentally, as did those who used future tense (will, going to). Conversely, excessive use of first-person singular words (I, me, mine) in writing has previously been tied to depression, as have negative emotion words (hurt, worried, fearful, nervous).
Intriguing, you say, but what does it mean for you? If you're feeling pessimistic about a situation, try writing about it in intentionally optimistic terms. Not the journal-keeping kind? Try this exercise: Quickly brainstorm a list of 20 positive words and another of 20 negative words. For the next week, challenge yourself to notice whenever you think or write a word from your negative list, then strike it and replace it with a word from your positive vocabulary. Hey, it can't hurt to try! At the very least, it might make you realize how pessimistic you really are. At best, you'll begin to think and see the world in a more optimistic way. You'll realize that just by shifting your mind-set and your behavior a bit, you can live life on the sunnier side of the street — and that you may even like it better that way.
How Do You Stay Positive?
Here, women tell us how they keep on keepin' on, whether it's in the face of a major challenge or just to get through the daily blahs.
"I count my blessings. When my husband's division closed, it really shook us. But we just said, 'Our family has their health, and we have each other, and that is all that matters.' I look for the good, and it carries me through to the next roller-coaster ride."
—Kathleen Bellwoar, 46, Newtown Square, PA
"When I want to make something happen and people are telling me it can't, I say, 'If the Queen of England wanted X, X would happen.' I've used it for everything from convincing the cable guy to hook up Internet access in my home office when he said he couldn't to persisting with breast-feeding when it got hard. It took three weeks, but my baby learned. Talk about optimism in action!"
—viva Patz, 39, Montclair, NJ
"Helping others always makes me more upbeat. Working out and a good night's sleep can put a smile on my face. And laughing with my daughter can erase any anxiety in the world."
—Alison Carlin Carrabba, 40, New York City
"When my world is crumbling and I feel like things are out of my control or I've made a big mistake, I think, Just do the next right thing. I can't change what's happened, but one bad mistake on top of another never fixes anything. Remembering to 'just do the next right thing' keeps me on track."
—Lisa Connelly, 46, Glastonbury, CT
"I'm naturally pessimistic, but I know how destructive that mind-set can be. I try to surround myself with positive people and challenge negative thoughts. Still, trying to stay positive and remain hopeful while experiencing horrible life events is the hardest thing I've ever done. I lost my husband, suddenly and tragically, when I was eight weeks pregnant. What got me through it was the love and support of my family and friends. Knowing that I am part of a network of people who rely on me to be fully present in their lives gave me the strength to try my hardest to believe that life can still be good."
—Carolyne Hynes, 42, Weston, CT
"I used to spin out of control about the what if's and finally realized the uselessness of that. Now, when I start worrying about things I can't control, I put on a favorite necklace and touch the charms when I get stressed. It's a physical reminder that I can choose to focus on what I can do to make my situation better."
—Meghan Rabbitt, 30, Boulder, CO
"When disappointments start to get to me, I force myself to remember that I have always achieved the only goal I ever set for myself: I woke up with a pulse that morning. Once it clicks in that I can still fog a mirror — and a lot of others can't — everything else seems secondary."
—Nancy Gottesman, 51, Santa Monica, CA
"I'm able to stay positive when I'm staring at difficulties like the loss of health insurance and job layoffs because I don't believe dead ends exist. I may have to back up and turn around and take a different road. I may even be completely lost for a while. But I know I'll find my way. There is always another way."
—L'Tanya Gail Durante, 49, Durham, NC