Choosing to have the difficult conversations rarely comes easily to most of us. After conducting a survey on teacher burnout, we discovered that:
- Only one in five teachers engage in difficult conversations with unsupportive administrators
- Only 13% engage in difficult conversations with peers over classroom management issues
- Only one in five engage in difficult conversations over work collaboration and peer support
- Only one-third of teachers engage in difficult conversations with parents over student concerns
In fact, the only area where a majority of teachers had follow-through in engaging in difficult conversations, was with a problem student, at two-thirds.
However, the minority of teachers who did report having these conversations, also reported on the positive changes and impact that resulted from these discussions. Since the benefits are clear, let’s look at some of the ways you can approach these crucial conversations to reduce your stress and increase your chance of a good outcome.
- Don’t wait until you’re angry.
Less skillful people put off handling crucial issues until they’re on the verge of losing their temper. For example, an assistant principal has been on your case about an important student testing issue for weeks. Your patience is diminishing. You feel unappreciated, blamed, and defensive. Now is not the time to talk–but unfortunately, it’s in these emotionally charged moments that most people finally speak up. The time to talk is when you see the problem emerging and have not yet become emotionally invested. Stop putting off addressing these issues and you’ll start dealing with them when they’re emotionally manageable.
- Start with safety.
Begin your crucial conversation by finding common ground. Demonstrate respect for the other person. Point out goals and interests the two of you share. By doing this, you create a condition of safety that enables discussion rather than provoking defensiveness. Teachers who do it best build healthy relationships they can draw on when under stress.
- Ask the humanizing question.
When confronting a colleague who’s not pulling his or her weight, don’t open your mouth until you’ve opened your mind. When others let us down we make matters worse by villainizing them in our minds. We may tell ourselves that they are selfish, egotistical, lazy, etc. Sometimes these judgements happen so quickly that we aren’t even conscious of them. Turn them from a villain into a human by asking yourself, “Why would a reasonable, rational, decent person do what they’re doing?” When you see them as a person with a flaw rather than a villain with no soul, you’ll approach them far more effectively.
- Eliminate excuses.
We found that the most common reason teachers don’t hold crucial conversations is that they tell themselves, “It’s not my job.” For example, if one teacher sees another teacher appearing incompetent at his or her duty, they one witnessing is clearly in the best position to provide feedback. The excuse is often simply that it’s not his or her job. Those who are best at holding crucial conversations don’t consider whether it’s in their job description to speak up, they consider whether it’s in their interest to voice their concerns. Consequently, they tend to speak up far more frequently.
- Dialogue, not monologue.
Finally, the most skillful teachers we studied have different goals in their conversations. The less skillful come at the conversation as though it is a monologue, with their goal being to speak their mind and hope the recipient is ready to listen. As an approach, this is egocentric and often provokes defensiveness. Teachers who seek out dialogue experience the reverse. They come to the conversation willing to share their views but are sincerely interested in the perspective of others. This openness invites openness. When your goal is dialogue rather than monologue, your crucial conversations lead to mutual learning rather than dueling defenses.
Regularly engaging in healthy, crucial conversations that strengthen relationships, improve teamwork, and influence positive change can be enormously helpful in not only avoiding being consumed, but also in restoring much of the meaning and joy that attracted teachers to education in the first place.