Communication between high school students and parents is often strained
or difficult. With busy lifestyles, it’s easy to drift apart and
become disconnected from one another. Parents may find that teens are
independent and want to spend less time with them while teens feel that
they aren’t understood or that their parents are too busy to care.
When your teen is going through a tough time, there are ways to reach
out and reconnect.
Never stop trying
Don’t let the silence, eye rolls or sighs put you off; just keep
talking to your teens and keep telling them that you love them. Keeping
the doors of communication open mean they will turn to you when they are
really in need. When they shut you out, don’t be discouraged, just
keep talking. “Parents shouldn’t misinterpret a lack of response
to mean that their kids aren’t listening,” says Dr. Robert
Blum, director of the adolescent health program at University Hospitals
Take every opportunity to talk. Don’t wait for the perfect moment,
rather talk to them every time you see them and always tell them that
they can talk to you whenever they need to.
As a parent, your natural instinct is to want to help your students to
deal with situations or to act when they have been hurt. Their fear of
you doing something that they will find embarrassing (i.e. calling a teacher
who has upset them or calling a bully’s parents) could be the very
reason they don’t open up to you. If your students have been keeping
you out of the loop, it may be time to practice active listening.
Active listening is about the hardest thing any parent can do because it
requires you to really listen. That’s all; no judgement, no advice,
no action – only empathy. This may sound unreasonable to you (if
you’re saying; “but I am a parent, that’s my job”,
then this is for you), but it’s the best way to break through barriers.
If your student feels like you don’t understand them, active listening
is a great way to change that perception. It doesn’t mean you can
never give advice again, but it does help open the lines of communication
so that they will once again be open to advice from you. If your teen
feels like you understand them, they are far more likely to listen to
What is active listening?
Active listening entails you really hearing what they have to say. If
you interrupt, do so only to ask about details or for added explanations.
When your student has finished talking, repeat back salient points to
show that you have understood, for example: “So what you’re
saying is that your math teacher laughed at you when you got the answer
Ask how they felt about the situation and what they plan on doing next.
Don’t offer advice unless they ask you for it.
Make eye contact with your teen when they are talking and watch your tone
when you respond.
Ask questions that elicit a response and, if they are not forthcoming,
don’t get frustrated. Rather tell them that you would really like
to hear more about the situation and that they are always free to talk to you.
If it sounds like you’re doing all the hard work here, you’re
right! Keeping the lines of communication open during the difficult teen
years is hard going, but totally worth it in the long run. Patience, perseverance
and a genuine desire to communicate will pay off.