M'Lord and the Squirrel
When you think of England, Rupert Redesdale is who you think of. He has a slanting forehead, a nose shaped like an adze and the pink face of an aristocrat from the Georgian era. But in fact his family is far older: it is one of five in Britain that can trace its roots directly back to William the Conqueror, the last successful invader of England, in 1066. "Our original name was Bertram," he told me recently. "We were Normans." Redesdale, a 40-year-old baron, can stand on a Northumberland hilltop and see the Rede Valley, with the Rede River running through it. He is able to say things like, "Our family had a castle in Mitford, but Robert the Bruce, the sod, knocked it down."
I first met Lord Redesdale one day in August in the Lake District, about 80 miles southwest of his home in the Rede Valley. The Lake District, in the north of England, is on the front lines of a new Hundred Years' War. It is a war between rodents. Since the 19th century, gray squirrels, an American import, have been overtaking Britain's native red squirrels and claiming their territory.....The country's National Lottery granted £626,000 to a group called Save Our Squirrels to run the reserves. Save Our Squirrels, or S.O.S., is a who's who of British conservation organizations, among them the Mammals Trust and Natural England.....Redesdale, too, has planted his standard on behalf of the red army. Last year, with a grant of £148,000 from the Department for Environment, Food and Rural Affairs, he founded an organization called the Red Squirrel Protection Partnership. The work of Redesdale's organization is different from that of S.O.S. It shoots, or traps and then smashes on the head, every gray it can find....
Redesdale doesn't travel alone. Always by his side is a man named Paul Parker. Parker is a professional pest controller from Newcastle. He keeps 300 dead grays in his freezer, seven of them skinned, waiting for the day he will have time to cook them. When I asked Redesdale how many squirrels the Red Squirrel Protection Partnership had killed to date, he said, "We've taken 2,000 whatsis. . . ." and Parker added, in his heavy Newcastle accent, "2,000 - 300 - 32." They laughed like boys killing flies for sport.
Parker had said he wanted me to shoot the squirrel - that grays were in Britain was, after all, my fault as an American - and I did not want to. He had also asked Redesdale to shoot the squirrel, and he did not want to either. Now Redesdale seemed to be summoning his nerve. "We keep on being told by the bunny-huggers, you know the wildlife-trust people, I mean I'm all for - I mean killing things to me is bad," he said. "I'm all for it but at some point you have to nail your colors to the mast."
I had by that point learned more about Redesdale: he and his wife met at a human rights conference; he has mixed feelings about being a lord ("No one really cares if it's you that shows up"); when he first sat in the House of Lords, at age 23, he looked across at a cousin who was the Tory whip and remembers thinking, "I'd rather eat warm vomit," after which he joined the Liberal Democrats, a party that, he points out proudly, is to the left of Labor; and he does not like guns ("I don't see the sport in hunting").
All the same, Redesdale was the officer; Parker, the enlisted man. If Redesdale did not kill the squirrel, he would never be able to lead. And had his family not led for 1,000 years? So we drove to an isolated parking lot, and Parker took the cage out of the trunk. He put the trap - "it's me killing trap," he said - on the asphalt. This was the place this animal was going to die.
The squirrel, large and dark gray with just a hint of red to his fur, wheeled around the cage looking for a way out. Then it made a piteous noise, a whee-whee-whee sound. Parker handed the air rifle to Redesdale, and he pointed it.
"That's the, uh, trigger?" Redesdale said.
"That's right," Parker said.
The squirrel paused. Redesdale steadied the barrel over its head. Then came the shot.
"You've got it," Parker said softly.
But he hadn't.
"Is it dead?" I asked stupidly.
The squirrel raced around the cage, blood dripping from somewhere around its mouth. WHEE-WHEE-WHEE. The same noise.
"I know it's bad when they run," Redesdale apologized. I thought I saw the warm-vomit look in his eyes.
The squirrel kept running and finally stopped when it realized there was still nowhere to go. Redesdale once more placed the rifle over its head. POP! The squirrel fell on its side and shook, scrabbled and shimmied twice around the cage like a break dancer.
"They're dead when they do that, aren't they?" Redesdale said, sounding more Macbeth than Prince Hal. Parker assured him it was dead: these were just the death throes.