Throughout our lives we have all experienced a time or two where a complete lack of communication has occurred and something has gone wrong, whether someone didn’t get the toilet paper at the store, or someone forgot to pick the kids up at daycare. It’s often easy to say that there is a communication problem, but finding a solution or working towards improving communication is a whole other beast to try and tackle.
Identifying that there is a communication problem is the first step in correcting it. It may also be helpful to try and determine the type of communication problem you are having. When specifically talking about relationships and communication, the following are some of the more common communication problems that can be seen:
- The “assumers”: those who think they know what the other person is saying or thinking, but don’t ask how they are feeling. Most commonly you will hear from these individuals something along the lines of, “Oh, I don’t have to ask him/her, I know what they will say.”
- By making an assumption about what another person might say or feel, you are closing out the opportunity to have a conversation about a topic.
- Start by using phrases such as, “Would you like to?” or, “What do you think about…?”
- Avoid using phrases such as, “I know what you’ll say,” or “I probably already know the answer.”
- Those that “read between the lines”: these individuals create false scenarios about every possible answer, thought, or feeling that could be occurring in the other individual. Most commonly, these are the “what if” individuals, who you will hear say things along the lines of “when he/she says ____, do you think they mean ___ what if they really think____?”.
- By creating these scenarios, the individuals are removing themselves and distancing themselves more from the individual.
- If you are unsure about a person’s response, use some clarifying statements to learn more about how they may really be feeling: “Can you tell me more about that?” or “Help me understand what you’re saying.”
- Avoid using phrases such as, “I know what you’re really saying is ___.”; this type of statement pushes the other party further away and does not make them feel secure in their responses to you.
- The “keep quiet and this will pass” type: for this type of individual, it is the complete lack of communication that leads to more issues in the relationship. These individuals choose not to pose questions or speak to their partners in hopes that things will get better on their own.
- By choosing to not speak up about concerns that may be bothering you, you are sending a message that things are OK, and the things you were hoping would pass may not.
- Open yourself up with some feeling statements like, “I feel like ___ when you say/do ___.” When focusing on yourself and your feelings, you give the other person the perspective of how they may be influencing you.
- Avoid using phrases that may indicate blame such as, “You never ask me about my day.” Using these phrases may spark a defensive reaction from the other individual.
These are just a few examples of some of the communication challenges that individuals may face. It can be difficult to think of ourselves as doing something bad or wrong, or in any way hindering our relationships. But I encourage you to look at your current relationships and think about how your communication styles may be influencing the relationship. In what ways can you see yourself making changes? Have you found something that works for you and your partner?