As your kids go into their teen years, it's obvious that things are going to change. To get along and help your 13-19 year old develop in a positive direction, you'll need to change your expectations and develop empathy, all the while establishing boundaries. This article will outline that process, making a very intimidating topic as straightforward as possible. Your child needs to be healthy and happy, but so do you!
1Change your expectations. Studies show that the frontal cortex of the brain does not completely develop until a person is well into their twenties. The brain of a teenager is a work in progress. The frontal lobe of the brain is the seat of what researchers call the "executive functions." It's the part of our brains that helps us to plan, control our impulses, and reason. It's tempting to treat teenagers - who are so close to adulthood - as though they were fully capable of logical reasoning, decision-making, and impulse control. But they just aren't there yet. Their brains are in the middle of a critical stage of development, and they need you to help them through this part of their lives. Instead of assuming they will act and think like an adult, be prepared for impulsive and seemingly irrational behavior.
2Stop treating your teenager with suspicion. Teenagers deal with fear as a constant companion. Fear of the other kids, fear of fitting in, fear of their teachers, fear of being mocked or ridiculed and they don't need their parents adding to it. When they come home, their home should be their sanctuary away from these fears, a place where they feel safe and protected, where they find love and acceptance. When your child walks into a room, your countenance should light up with happiness to see them. Not with a jaded eye and questions of where they've been and what they've been up to. Unconditional love and acceptance is the greatest gift you can give them, one that will not only boost their confidence to face another day, but will also steer your relationship with them in a positive direction.
3Develop empathy. Remember what it was like when you were a teenager, multiply that by 10, and cut your teen some slack. At this crucial time in their lives, they're looking for someone to understand what they're going through. We all need understanding, but your teenager needs it a lot more than you can possibly imagine, and it needs to come from you. When they come home, stop what you're doing (no matter how important you think it is) and give them your undivided attention. Look them in the eye. Discipline yourself to stay focused on them and what they're saying, not on what you're going to say, and guard your response to them. It's often been said that people need others just to listen. They generally don't need you to fix their problems for them (they'll figure that out for themselves), but rather they need someone who'll listen and empathize with them. This is what your teen needs from you. And if you don't give this to them, they'll find someone who will.
- Understand the pressures your teen is under. As much as it is hard for parents, it is hard on teenagers too. With all the homework and chores, sometimes your teenager will feel they don't have enough time to themselves. They may start suffering from stress or even depression. Talk to them and ask what is going on. If they refuse to talk to you about it, give them space, just let them know you are there for them.
4Stop fighting with your teenager. Teenagers often feel they need to prove themselves. They have to prove themselves with their peers, their teachers and they automatically feel they have to prove themselves with you, too. Don't let it upset you. Refuse to fight with them. Using empathy in your voice, develop one-liners, such as: "I bet it feels that way.", "What do you suppose you'll do?", and "I don't know. What do you think?". They may get even angrier with you and demand to know why you won't argue with them. Let them know you love them too much to fight with them over petty stuff. If you can refuse to take the bait every time they throw out their hook, you'll save yourself and them from having to go through a lot of arguing about things that are irrelevant.
5Establish boundaries and stick to them. Everyone that lives in your house should be part of making the household run. No one person should shoulder the entire responsibility. Teens are no exception. Decide, as a family, who is going to do what. Be reasonable! Assign everyone a chore and not more than two chores, plus keeping their own room clean. Instead of arguing and fighting with them when they don't do what they were supposed to do, let them suffer the consequences. When they ask to go out with their friends and their chores are not done, you can say, with empathy, "Oh, that sounds like so much fun. But unfortunately, you never did your chores this week and your room is a mess. I'm so sorry you can't go." They'll want to make a deal with you immediately. That's when you can say, "I'll tell you what, as soon as your chores are done and your room is clean, you can go." Stick to this pattern. Discipline yourself to not fume and be angry when they aren't keeping to the family plan and doing their chores. Wait patiently. An opportunity will arise for you to deal with the situation. Using empathy and the "as soon as..." approach, you can effectively make it a win-win situation for both of you, thus avoiding anyone having to be angry.
- Give your teen choices, within limits. This gives them the feeling they're in control of their lives. "Are you going to do your homework first or your chores?" "What time will you be home, 10:30 or 11:00?" It gives them a certain amount of confidence in being able to decide for themselves. If they break curfew, etc...then apply reasonable consequences with empathy for the circumstances.
- Don't force your teen to do things. There is a line which shouldn't be crossed. Of course, you need to demand at times but don't push them too hard or your relationship will start to collapse. They don't want pressure and pain. Just take it easy and do what you have to to get the job done.
6Honor and respect your teen. Treat your child with honor and respect at all times. Constantly screaming at a child will damage their emotions and cause them to be insecure as adults. No one (including yourself), likes to be belittled. Discipline yourself to never belittle, mock or talk-down to your child. Respect their opinions and ask for them. When it's just the two of you riding in the car, turn the radio to their favorite station. If they like sports, go out of your way to get them involved and go to their games. If they are musical, pay for lessons and go to their recitals. If they win any awards, make a big deal out of it and take the whole family out to dinner in their honor. These are easy, fun things you can do for your teen that will cement a life-long healthy relationship between the two of you.
7Open your home to your teenager's friends. Your teen is looking for a place to hang out. Be a good sport about it. Have some healthy snacks around for them, let them play their music and make yourself available. You'll be surprised how many of their friends might need a listening ear. If this makes you really uncomfortable, it's your house and you have the right to enforce your rules. However, be aware that this won't help the situation in any way. It will make them feel that you do not trust or respect them. Open communication is always a better approach.
8Make allowances for their daily minor mistakes. Your son stepped on the remote control when he was rushing for school, and you said, "How many times have I told you to be less clumsy?" But with these active kids, running around and knocking things over is natural. It’s typical of their age, and it’s accidental. Your hitting the roof only make them grow more nervous and they could end up breaking another dish. Teach them later. For cases like this, "Be more careful" is suitable enough.
- If your teenager never talks to you, talk to them or leave them notes. You don't have to get upset with them, just make sure they know that they can come to you whenever they need to speak with you.
9Be helpful. Although teenagers are old enough to take care of themselves and do their own work, sometimes they do need help. It could be with homework, a certain chore, anything! If you see them struggling help them out. Its takes the weight off their shoulders.
10Show them you love them so much. A warm hug, a kiss on the cheek, an "I love you". These small actions are very, very important, although your son/daughter now prefers hanging around with friends over being in mother’s arms. But out there, they will face things that can make them astonished, or scared, and they run to you. Let them know, you are always there, not only to explain, but also to help and love them.
How can I get my teenager to stop being so interested in YouTube and Minecraft?
- You can't decide their interests, that's intrusive. If there is something you don't like about their behavior caused by one of those interests, you have to talk it through with them, not in a demanding you-have-to-behave-like-I-say way but in a way you let them know you care about them and you. Seek to understand, not judge. Offer some fun things to do together as a family as an alternative.
What should I do if my teen gets mad all of the sudden?
- Give your teen some time and space so that they can calm down and cool off. Once your teen calms down, you can ask about what it was that made them so angry. Depending on how out of control they got, you may also remind them that you don't appreciate their outbursts.
- How you treat your family is who you truly are.
- Realize as a parent, that they aren't your little boy or little girl anymore. They are someone's best friend. They have status for being "this type of person" or "that type of person." They have reputations, friends and enemies. They are students, they're learning to drive, they're thinking about college.
- Remember, your attitude should be one with your arms extended. Welcoming them home, welcoming their friends into your home, welcoming them to talk and be excited about life.
- Talk to your teenager instead of setting arbitrary rules, consider their point of view, show genuine concern for their lives, don't always assume the worst, and take the time to ask about their day. This will help you in building enough of an open and positive relationship that they will feel comfortable talking to you about their problems. Being strict and unsympathetic won't stop them from doing drugs, having sex, and so on; it will just make them try a lot harder to hide these aspects of their lives from you. If they were ever to be in some kind of trouble, they probably wouldn't tell you. However, if you work to keep the lines of communication open, maybe you will be able to help them make positive, informed choices.
- Avoid yelling at your teenager. Yelling doesn't help anyone; it only closes down communication. If your teenager has done something they are not allowed to, treating them like an adult, and explaining calmly and rationally why what they have done has upset you and what the consequence will be, will make all the difference in the world and help keep your teen happy in the long run.
- Remember, your kids don't hate you. A teenager's life can be very busy. Keep in mind their lives don't revolve around you anymore. That doesn't mean that they don't need you. Quite the contrary, they need you more than ever.
- Sometimes loneliness (or any other issue) can trouble teens and can impact their exam marks negatively. Don't shout at them. Instead, understand them, teach them, and support them so that they don't experience loneliness, isolation, or some other negative feeling from the parental side either.
- Remember being a teenager is just getting them one step closer to freedom. So they will try experimenting with adult activities like drinking and sex. Instead of waiting for them to do those things and punishing them for it, make sure they're informed about the risks and consequences ahead of time. Keep a path of open communication between you whenever possible so they can ask questions, admit mistakes, and reach out when they need help.
- Everything your teenager says and does counts, so let them speak, listen closely to them, and try to understand. Give them your attention when they need it, and absolutely never say you're too busy for them.
- Learn to make compromises with your teen. That way you retain control and they will not end up completely dissatisfied.
- Set limits, don't let your teen walk all over you, but don't be overly protective either.
- If your teen says, "You never listen to me," it`s probably because they feel like you don`t. You need to sit down and really talk to them about this, let them get out all of their "You don`t listen to me" feelings so they can learn to trust you. You also need to promise, to your teen and yourself, that you will try to let them have their say.
Sources and Citations
Categories: Raising Teens
In other languages:
Español: lidiar con tu adolescente (para padres), Português: Lidar com Seu Filho Adolescente, Italiano: Relazionarsi con un Adolescente (per Genitori), Русский: обращаться с подростком (для родителей), Deutsch: Mit einem Teenager klarkommen (für Eltern)
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