UNIVERSITY OF TORONTO LINKS
From: Resurrection in the Cartoon. Toronto: ECW Press, 1997.
Because of the shape of its face, a pig is actually one of the
easiest animals to swallow whole.* Still, pig-swallowing is a
very difficult and potentially dangerous activity. If you have
advance notice, a certain amount of jaw-stretching and
lip-widening prior to the event is always helpful. Your greatest
enemy is self-doubt. You have to look at the pig's head and tell
yourself that you can do this. Once you have greased the pig,
begin by letting the fine tapered end of the snout proceed
through your lips. The first obstacle, if it is not the back of
your throat, will likely be your front teeth. Unfortunately these
will have to be broken off. This clears the way for the full
face-taper of the pig snout to zero in on your gullet. You have
to be thinking "outrage" when this begins to happen for it is
entirely violating and painful. But your throat can take it.
Allow the gorge to widen as though it were a fluid, thinner with
each stretch. You throat is a powerful python, infinitely elastic
and accommodating. Once the entire pig head has squeezed by your
gag reflex and entered your gorge you are fully committed. You
will not be able to vomit out the pig safely. Nor can you wait
long to continue, for at this time your trachea is entirely
blocked by the pig's head. You are unable to breathe. Do not
panic. Do not attempt to gasp or retch. Concentrate on
swallowing. Having the wideness of the pig's bulky shoulders in
your once narrow throat is perhaps the most violating thing you
will ever experience. But you can do this. Just tell yourself:
this is possible. Swallow and stretch. Keep your lower jaw loose
to prevent the bone from snapping at the hinge. Suck with your
guts. Use your lower diaphragm to draw the fat pig ever further
down the gullet. Let your thick and lucent saliva lubricate the
way. Saturating the pig with your juices will allow the celiated
gorge to usher the pig deeper and deeper into your being. You may
now need a friend with a stick to stuff in the pig's back end.
This is the most crucial period. You will have been without
oxygen for quite some time. You are probably blue in the face,
but if you can widen to your most extreme limit, your throat
cracking like wet bark, you will be able to slide your blue lips
over the bare buttocks and with the last kick of the back
trotters, the curl of the pig's tail will be gone. The entire pig
is in your throat. Your intestines are stretching. Peristalsis
has begun. The glottis is finally released and the first,
terrible new breath can come with a gasp. You've lived! You've
swallowed the whole pig. And now that it's entirely in your
stomach you have to ask yourself: Is this not a most familiar
feeling? Is this not the greatest feeling on earth?
* It is also one of the easiest animals to shove up the anus. This is not recommended for reasons of hygiene.
Robert Priest's works copyright © to the author.