Past, present and future are experienced all at once in an emotional intensity during momentous times of transition and change. For all of us, transition, large and small, can be felt in the heart , mind and body like a a ripple or an ocean wave. For foster/ adopt children who have already experienced many losses, these times of transition can be even more intense and confusing. Saddness, can often be masked by irritability and anger and can evolve into acting out behaviors.
The past - traces of implicit memory (which are formed prior to age three and in times of trauma) - those vital, distinctive sensory moments of our lives distilled into the present can come crashing in like a tsunami with intense feeling. And because these implicit memories are pre-verbal and sensory (unconscious memories) and fully charged with a great deal of emotion it is important to stay connected to the energy in the body at these moments and allow it to move through. It is not time to ask why or give explainations or make cognitive sense of the experience, that is not how the brain works during these times. Initially, the best support you can give your child is to just allow the feelings; be present; acknowledge their presence and provide your own loving support and presence to let the energy move through your child. Labeling the feeling maybe useful but not always. Holding your child can be useful but not always. Your physical presence however is very important and if possible some physical connection (touching a foot or hand or a brief touch can be all it takes sometimes)
As a parent, it is our job to help our children understand and move through the many confusing and intense feelings that occur during these times of transition. However, feeling the feelings are more important in the moment than trying to understand why this particular transition is causing so much upset. If the feelings are not acknowledged then often annoying attention getting behaviors become the expression of these under-cover feelings and they can take on a life of their own.
There is a fine line between not making a big deal about it, but also acknowledging the importance of feeling life in all its healthy intensity and managing the task of growing up. It is also important for children with a history of trauma, to learn to have some mastery over the 'sometimes' intensity of their internal world. At times of change and transition your child may watch those movies that he watched as a young child or look through school year books or photographs, or not want to talk but be close with you. No big deal, it is just part of managing the process of matuirng and changing. It is human nature to revert back to something cozy and familiar before moving on to the next new and unfamiliar milestone in our developing life.